For many teenagers, going back to school means seeing friends again, getting back into activities, and returning to a familiar routine. But it can also bring a lot of pressure. Teens in Vaughan are just as susceptible to pressures as any others.
A new school year means new teachers, different classes, changing friendships, heavier workloads, tests, presentations, sports tryouts, and questions about grades and the future. For some teens, these challenges are manageable. Even welcome!
For others, they can lead to significant back-to-school anxiety.
The difficult part for parents is that anxiety does not always look like anxiety.
Your teenager may never tell you, “I’m anxious about school.” Instead, you might see procrastination, arguments about going to school, perfectionism, headaches, irritability, trouble sleeping, or suddenly avoiding friends.
They might not even be aware that they are experiencing anxiety. If they don’t know, then how can a parent be sure?
Recognizing these patterns can help parents understand when normal back-to-school stress may be becoming something more.
Some Back-to-School Anxiety Is Normal
Feeling nervous before the start of school isn’t necessarily a problem. This is actually normal and probably healthy. Excitement and nervousness can go hand-in-hand.
Anxiety is a normal response when we face something uncertain or challenging. A teenager might worry about whether they will like their teachers, have friends in their classes, keep up academically, or fit in socially.
Anxiety is also common when we expect a problem. Expecting a problem doesn’t mean that a problem will occur, but it can make the anxiety hard to manage.
Anxiety will also rise when the stakes become greater. For students entering grade 12, their marks now count towards post-secondary programs. Knowing that they need an 85 to get accepted for some is not a problem. For others, it is hard. (Hint: not being accepted the first time doesn’t mean they won’t be in the future!).
A certain amount of anxiety can even be useful. It can motivate a student to prepare for a test, finish an assignment, or think ahead.
The bigger question is not simply whether your teenager is anxious. It is how much their anxiety is affecting what they do.
When anxiety starts interfering with attendance, schoolwork, friendships, sleep, family life, or activities they normally enjoy, it deserves more attention.
Avoidance Can Be a Sign of Anxiety
Avoidance is one of the most important patterns for parents to recognize. And like I said before, your teen might not recognize it themselves. Therefore, you need to be a bit of a detective.
One of the common things about anxiety in everyone is that it makes us want to avoid … something. We feel that if we can avoid whatever is causing the anxiety then things will be ok. This works fine if we are avoiding a dangerous animal. Not being attacked by a bear is of course something to celebrate!
The problem is that we also try to avoid things that are not that dangerous. And our physiological response to non-bear anxiety can be identical to a wild animal attacking. This is why in Vaughan there is concern over coyotes and not really bear attacks.
Now let’s take it to your child’s possible situation. A teenager who is anxious about something will often try to get away from the thing making them uncomfortable. The problem is that this doesn’t always look like fear.
It can look like procrastination.
Your teen might repeatedly put off an assignment. They might suddenly feel sick on the morning of a presentation. They may ask to stay home on the day of a test or start missing a particular class. The reason, even is they are not consciously aware of it, is because their brain believes that delaying a test will feel good. And in the short term, it might. The problem is the test isn’t going anywhere.
Sometimes avoidance is more subtle. A teenager might stop checking their school portal because seeing their assignments makes them anxious. They might tell you they “don’t care” about a course when they are actually worried about failing it. They might have written themselves off for that course, so they really believe they don’t care.
Parents can understandably interpret this as laziness or a lack of motivation.
Before jumping to that conclusion, ask another question:
What might my teenager be trying to avoid feeling?
The answer could be embarrassment, failure, uncertainty, disappointment, social judgment, or simply feeling overwhelmed.
Avoidance can temporarily reduce anxiety, which is one reason it can become a difficult pattern to break. Over time, however, avoiding school-related situations can make returning to them feel even harder.
One final comment on this section: how many students would, if given the chance, decide NOT to do well? I’ve worked with teens and children from all areas of the GTA. Whether from Toronto, Markham, or King City, the ones who say they don’t care are the ones who are struggling. And nobody chooses to struggle.
Perfectionism Doesn’t Always Look Like a Problem
Parents usually worry when a teenager isn’t doing enough schoolwork.
Sometimes we should also pay attention when they are doing too much.
A perfectionistic teenager might spend hours studying for a relatively small test, repeatedly rewrite an assignment, become extremely upset about losing a few marks, or have difficulty submitting work because it doesn’t feel good enough.
From the outside, this teenager may appear to be doing extremely well.
They might have excellent grades. Teachers may describe them as responsible and hardworking. They may seem like the last person who needs help.
But high achievement and anxiety can exist at the same time.
The important question isn’t simply, “How are their grades?”
It is also, “What is it costing them to get those grades?”
If your teenager is regularly losing sleep, panicking about small mistakes, studying far beyond what is necessary, or believing anything less than an excellent grade is a failure, there may be more happening than simply being a dedicated student.
If a student needs a 75 for guaranteed acceptance, then they need a 75. If a 90 means triple the work AND there are no additional benefits to be gained (e.g. a scholarship) then maybe accepting an 80 is “good enough.”
The concept of “good enough” is hard for perfectionists to understand. And is the basis for dealing with perfectionism.
By the way, a guaranteed way to stress out many high school students is to connect a reward to their grades. Many students get a reward if they get over 80%. This is a problem for a student who doesn’t have the ability to get over 80. For that student, knowing they can’t do it can feed the avoidance. And drive up perfectionism.
Therefore, consider incentives based on work effort and not results.
Watch for Panic Around Tests and Assignments
Test anxiety can range from normal nervousness to intense distress.
A teenager might understand the material at home and then suddenly feel as though their mind has gone blank during a test. Others may become so worried about an upcoming exam that they struggle to concentrate while studying. If a student is convinced they are going to do poorly or that an exam is going to be impossible, then they might actually fail. The reason: their anxiety prevented proper studying.
Watch for statements such as:
- “I’m going to fail.”
- “I don’t remember anything.”
- “If I don’t get a good mark, I’m screwed.”
- “There’s no point studying because I’m going to do badly anyway.”
The words themselves aren’t necessarily the problem. Teenagers can be dramatic, particularly when they are stressed.
Look for the pattern.
Does every major test lead to panic? Does your teenager regularly stay awake extremely late studying? Do they know the material but consistently struggle under pressure? Are they becoming physically sick before tests?
Those patterns tell you more than one stressful evening before an exam.
Social Pressure Can Be Just as Difficult as Academic Pressure
Going back to school isn’t only about academics.
For many teenagers, the social part of school creates just as much anxiety.
They may be wondering:
Who will I sit with at lunch?
Are my friends still my friends?
What if I don’t have anyone in my classes?
What if people judge how I look?
What if I say something embarrassing?
Social media can add another layer. Teenagers can see what other people are doing, where they were invited, what they’re wearing, and who is spending time together — even when they aren’t at school.
A teenager experiencing social anxiety may start avoiding lunch areas, group activities, presentations, extracurricular activities, or situations where they feel they are being watched or judged.
Some teens become quieter. Others become irritable or defensive.
Again, the behaviour you see isn’t always the feeling underneath it.
Physical Complaints Can Be Important Signs of Anxiety
Anxiety doesn’t only happen in our thoughts. It can affect the body. This recent article I wrote will give you more information on this critical concept. Actually, it’s not a concept. Its how our health works.
Headaches, stomach aches, nausea, muscle tension, fatigue, a racing heart, sweating, or feeling physically unwell can accompany anxiety.
This can create a difficult situation for parents.
Your teenager says they feel sick on Monday morning. They want to stay home. A few hours later, they seem completely fine.
It can be tempting to assume they were pretending. The thing is, they may not have been.
If the physical symptoms are being driven by anxiety, removing the stressful situation can reduce the symptoms. That doesn’t mean the discomfort wasn’t real. It is that once the thing/event that triggered the stress is avoided, it is normal to feel better. At least for a short time until the trigger returns.
Look for patterns. Symptoms that repeatedly appear Sunday night, Monday morning, before certain classes, before tests, or after school breaks may be worth exploring.
Physical symptoms should also be discussed with an appropriate medical professional when necessary rather than automatically being attributed to anxiety.
Irritability Can Sometimes Be Anxiety
Parents often expect an anxious teenager to look worried or scared. And that can be the case. Other times, the anxiety could show as something else.
Sometimes they look angry. Other times they might start to cry.
A teenager who feels overwhelmed may become impatient, argumentative, withdrawn, or unusually sensitive to questions.
A simple “Did you finish your homework?” can suddenly turn into an argument.
That doesn’t mean every bad mood is anxiety. Teenagers can be irritable for many reasons.
But if you notice increased irritability happening alongside school avoidance, sleep problems, academic pressure, physical complaints, or changes in friendships, consider whether anxiety may be part of the picture.
Read this section back to yourself and you might notice that this can apply to you too. In fact, most of what is written in this article can apply to everyone, not just teens.
Pay Attention to Changes in Sleep
The transition from summer back to school can disrupt sleep by itself. Teenagers who have been staying up late suddenly have to wake up much earlier. I think this is a truism whether
Anxiety can make that transition even harder.
Your teen might lie awake thinking about the next day, stay up extremely late studying, repeatedly check assignments, or use their phone as a distraction because they don’t want to think about school.
Poor sleep can then make everything else more difficult.
A tired teenager has fewer resources for dealing with frustration, concentrating in class, regulating emotions, and managing stress. Anxiety interferes with sleep, and poor sleep can make anxiety harder to manage.
What is important here is to differentiate between somebody (a teen in this case) adjusting to a new sleep pattern and sleep problems due to anxiety.
Don’t Judge the Problem Only by Grades
This is one of the biggest mistakes we can make with teenagers.
A student can be getting excellent grades and still be struggling with their mental health. They might be trying for results that they are not able to get. Or trying for results they actually don’t need.
Another student can see their grades dropping because anxiety is making it difficult to attend school, complete assignments, concentrate, or perform during tests.
Sometimes there are issues in a classroom that make it hard for a student to focus.
Grades are useful information, but they don’t tell the whole story. And unless they are in their final year of high school, for the vast majority of students their grades …. are actually not important. For ego yes. As a sign of progress for sure. But are they actually impactful? Likely not.
Therefore, look at your teenager holistically rather than only their report card.
Are they sleeping?
Are they seeing friends?
Can they relax?
Are they constantly worried about school?
Are they maybe not worried enough?
Are small setbacks becoming major crises?
Are they avoiding things they previously handled?
Those changes can be more meaningful than whether their average went from an 85 to an 80.
How Parents Can Respond (some suggestions)
If you notice these patterns, start with curiosity rather than immediately trying to solve the problem.
Instead of:
“Why didn’t you just do the assignment?” or “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you understand the hole your digging for yourself?”
Try:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been putting this assignment off even though you seem worried about it. What’s making it hard to get started?”
Instead of:
“There’s nothing to worry about.”
Try:
“What is actually worrying you the most?”
One thing I would really recommend avoiding is threatening them. Grounding them for anxiety will only build anxiety.
Apply this to yourself: if you are stressed and you are then punished for being stressed, would that make your stress go away?
A former colleague of mine had a sarcastic phrase he would use when management was being too heavy handed:
“The beatings will continue until morale improves“
Parents naturally want to reassure their children. But telling an anxious teenager that something isn’t a big deal doesn’t necessarily make it feel smaller to them.
Understanding what they are actually worried about gives you something much more useful to work with.
At the same time, supporting a teenager doesn’t mean removing every uncomfortable situation. Constantly helping them escape things that make them anxious can unintentionally make avoidance stronger.
The goal is usually to help them develop the ability to handle difficult situations with appropriate support.
When Should Parents Consider Getting Help?
There isn’t one specific behaviour that automatically means a teenager needs therapy.
Look instead at frequency, intensity, and impact. I would also suggest that you look at whether this is something new or their baseline. This also helps determine how to proceed.
Consider getting additional support if anxiety is regularly interfering with school attendance, sleep, friendships, family relationships, academic performance, extracurricular activities, or your teenager’s ability to enjoy everyday life.
A sudden or significant change from your teenager’s usual behaviour also deserves attention.
The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that anxiety becomes more concerning when fears and worries are out of proportion to the situation or significantly interfere with a young person’s ability to function. Parents can read more about supporting students experiencing anxiety at school.
Some Final Thoughts
Most teachers and school boards are there to help and parents need to see them as partners. I won’t say that we’ve never had to deal with a bad teacher. That is unavoidable. In general, at least in the York Region District School Board, we have found the staff to be motivated to help.
If you are worried about your teen, let the school know. They can offer a perspective that you cannot get on your own. And it may be different than what you are hearing at home. Different doesn’t mean that it is correct, but it can be very informative.
You can also try to get help from community resources. Tutoring can be helpful. There are websites like the Khan Academy that have amazing resources for students of all ages.
At our clinic, we have extensive experience with students of all ages and also can support parents.